Nation's Politicians Vow to Continue Bickering and Achieving Nothing
- Stephen Carroll
- Feb 21, 2023
- 2 min read
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a joint statement issued today, the nation's politicians announced their commitment to continuing their longstanding tradition of bickering, posturing, and accomplishing absolutely nothing.
"We want to assure the American people that we are fully committed to our jobs as politicians, which is to say, arguing endlessly and accomplishing absolutely nothing," the statement read.
The politicians cited a long history of gridlock, partisan bickering, and petty infighting as proof of their dedication to the cause.
"Let's face it – we've been doing this for a long time, and we're pretty damn good at it," said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. "Why mess with a winning formula?"
The statement also addressed concerns that the politicians might actually try to work together to achieve something for the American people.
"Rest assured, we have no intention of actually getting anything done," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "We prefer to spend our time blaming the other side for all the problems we've created, and congratulating ourselves for being so damn good at it."
The announcement was met with widespread public apathy and a sense of resignation that nothing will ever change.
"It's just more of the same old, same old," said local voter Mark Johnson. "I mean, what else did we really expect? It's not like they were suddenly going to start working together and passing laws that actually help people. That would be crazy."
The statement concluded with a reminder to the American people that, despite their lack of accomplishments, the politicians are still being paid a hefty salary for their work.
"Remember, we may not be doing anything useful, but we're still getting paid a lot of money to do it," the statement read. "So, in a way, we're still providing a valuable service to the American people."
At press time, the politicians were reportedly planning to spend the rest of the day arguing over who gets to sit in the fancy leather chairs in the congressional chambers.
